Proud sons of the north. There is a fell voice on the air. Whispers of a forgotten name: ALPHA. But how does one become alpha? What glorious knight of wisdom will teach us?

[surprise flex]

This is going to be a fun video.

[Very fast makeup scene]

Hello boys. I get a lot of people on YouTube calling me “beta,” and I’m still not sure what that means. But I try to be open to criticism, and so I’ve decided what I need is an uncucked alpha hero who can set me straight, and I think I’ve found just the man. His name is the Golden One. [fuckin massive]. Fuckin massive. That’s what you are. But if you’re going to teach me to be alpha, you’re going to need to be more than massive. You’d need to be the glorious valiant champion of modern Europe, the ever-chosen of the gods, the golden son of mother nature. [role model—look at me now] You make a good point. [role model—follow my example] 

I am ready to begin the training, master. But first, let us awaken our masculinity by bathing nude together in the waters of Lake Mälaren.

[Alpha bath montage] [Fill bath with purifying Swedish lakewater] [pour one pitcher of elven rosewater] [light the flames of Logi] [add a pitcher of milk of the Fenris Wolf] [And now…]

It’s time.

[Heart: Alone]

So tell me, proud son of Sweden, what does it mean to be alpha? [alphabeta—fwa!]

Fwa! I think I’m starting to get this, so being alpha means being cool and masculine? Well, in that case I don’t know what could possibly be more alpha than this.

[milk pour]

Hell yeah. I just poured a liter of wolf’s milk on my face. Consider this twink uncucked.

[sissy—if you’re gay that’s fine]

Well, I’m not gay. Why would you think that?

[sissy—to younger people]

I can assure you there’ll be none of that on this channel.

[gay propaganda—sex in public]

{drying} You know, I’m glad someone’s finally saying it. Because for my part I find that kind of thing disgusting, and I say it’s time we took a stand against it.

[gay propaganda—resent gay pride]

{oiling} Exactly. See, we’re on the same page. I don’t understand why gay people have to always be kissing in public and making a spectacle of themselves when straight people like us, we somehow manage to keep our sexuality in the bedroom. Oh, pass the oil would you Lars? My balls are getting dry.

We must stand erect as Odin’s spear in defiance of the gay agenda.

Well, this is all good fun… [alcohol]

Oh, okay. Not sure what that has to do with being masculine, but…

Wait, what? The Jewish question? Hold on… AHHH! What have you done to me? You’re a goddamn fascist!

And oh boy is he. And I don’t mean “fascist” in the meaningless way people throw the term around for anyone they disagree with. I mean he is a committed white nationalist who thinks that all non-whites should be expelled from Europe. He has a video about the “Jewish Question” and he even talks about the Big H. For The Golden One, masculinity, nationalism, racialism, anti-feminism and occult Nazi neo-paganism are all united in one belief system he calls “taking the Glorious Pill.”

Now, for the sake of moving on with this video I’m not going to argue that it’s wrong to be a Nazi, I’m just going to assume it. And it should always be okay to assume that being a Nazi is wrong. I thought this was one of the three biggest lessons from the last thousand years of Western history. You know: don’t invade Russia, don’t allow a ship to dock if everyone on board has died of the plague, and don’t allow nationalism to gain traction in Europe.

Anyway, this video is supposed to be about alpha males, so let’s try to move on.

Wait a minute: The Golden One has a new video. “Fash Skyrim. Apprentices of the Frankfurt School and Hillary Supporters.” Is that like, fascist Skyrim? I told you! Well we’ve got to watch this.

[Skyrim clip]

Gentlewomen of the jury. Alpha male exhibit number one is a LARPing Swedish fascist who plays Skyrim so he can pretend he’s killing feminists and the Frankfurt School. No further questions. Next!

So I know I might be accused of strawmanning if my only example of an alpha male is a bodybuilding Nazi whose ideas about women are dictated directly to him by his teddy bear. But I’ve searched YouTube for self-proclaimed alpha males who aren’t raving lunatics, and, well, take a look at what I’ve come up with:

[There’s Davis Aurini] No. [There’s Roosh] No. [Uhhhh there’s this Kangaroo, and this guy] [Red Pill Philosophy] Um, Chris. I don’t want to embarrass you, since you are the dating expert, but, uh, you might want to remove that bicycle helmet before telling any women you want to impale them with your hideous engorged phallus.

Now, one trend I’m noticing with these “alpha” guys is they’re all mildly to extremely racist.

[clips]

But why are they all racist? What is the connection between “alpha” and racism? Well here’s one idea: calling yourself “alpha” basically means that you fetishize male dominance, which likely means that you’re extremely anti-feminist, and extreme anti-feminism is often coupled with racism because these beliefs are not as separate as they seem. In fact they form two parts of the white nationalist worldview, where the third part is anti-Semitism. The anti-Semitism is important because it helps explain why the supposedly naturally dominant white males are losing power to women and minorities. See, at the core of the white nationalist worldview is concern for the purity of white women. This leads to anti-feminism on the one hand, because feminism’s seen as a threat to traditional gender roles that make white women subservient and loyal to white men. Non-white races are viewed as a threat to the purity of white women, because they’re often viewed as barbaric, dangerous, unclean, and brutish. This is why xenophobes place so much emphasis on the sexual danger non-white immigrants pose to white women, and it’s why you’ll see endless discussion of news events that validate this fear in white nationalist circles. But notice that this worldview is in need of an explanation for why the supposedly inferior races pose such a serious threat to the supposedly superior whites. Well, this is where the Jews come in. Anti-semitism is different from other forms of racism in that instead of being resented for being supposedly brutish and stupid, the Jews are resented for being smart, but in an evil, duplicitous, cunning sort of way. So the idea is that a Jewish elite is poisoning white society with ideas like multiculturalism, feminism, and cultural Marxism, thereby leaving it vulnerable to the so-called third-world invasion.

It seems to me that this worldview is becoming increasingly common, which is worrying since, funny though it may be on the fringe, with the right mix of power and desperation the conclusion of these people’s worldview is genocide.

Ugh. This has gotten dark. Remember how fun this video was when we started? Well, it’s a dark world. Let’s get back to the alphas though.

Another thing I’ve noticed about these guys is that none of them is particularly high in the social hierarchy. The term “alpha” is used by ethologists to describe animals at the top of the hierarchy. But that must not be the way these people use the word, because, well, they’re kinda a bunch of fringe weirdoes. The people who are actually alpha are people like Warren Buffet and Obama, people who these guys tend not to like. Speaking of which, don’t you dare fuckin claim to be alpha in the comments or a response to this video. YouTubing is an inherently epsilon activity, and leaving comments positively omega.

So let’s maybe look beyond YouTube from here on. What I find when I Google “alpha male” is a mix of pick-up artists, dating coaches, and self-help gurus, all claiming to turn their beta followers into alphas so they can finally get mad pussy. There’s also a bunch of articles by people who can actually write debunking the whole concept, usually mentioning the fact that it encourages men to think like Eliot Rodger.

It turns out that the 1947 study that introduced the idea that wolf societies are organized around alpha males has been discredited and disavowed by the author because it was based on the behavior of captive wolves. In nature, not even wolves can be divided into alphas and betas, and there’s certainly no scientific evidence to suggest that humans can.

So what “alpha” looks like to me is a pseudoscientific term used by guys who don’t have a lot going for them to inflate their wounded masculinity. I’m noticing that there aren’t a lot of Fortune 500 CEOs going around bragging about how alpha they are. The so-called alphas are a bunch of fringe hucksters selling bad advice and bad products to insecure and desperate men. I say selling because it’s only a matter of time before these guys try to sell you some kind of dietary supplement or 12-step seduction system that’s supposed to increase your testosterone and make women attracted to you, because God, you’re lonely and desperate and you don’t know how to express it because you were raised in an atmosphere of toxic masculinity that emotionally stifles men, and taught you that aggression is the only acceptable outlet for your inner pain.

And these guys all talk about women like they’re mysterious mermaids from another planet, which is not really the way guys who have good relationships with women tend to talk about them. In my experience women are attracted to confident guys, but not to guys who insecurely brag about how confident they are, and definitely not to guys who post lunatic racist ramblings on the Internet.

The sad thing is it doesn’t have to be this way. Some of these guys could do better. I actually kind of like The Golden One. I like his muscles, I like his costumes, I like Skyrim and big weapons and cool, manly stuff. And he’s actually pretty funny, and could probably be pretty popular with women, if he’d just quit the Nazi shit that’s kind of ruining his life. He loses sponsor after sponsor because of it, and you can tell he makes other sacrifices for his political views. It’s almost admirable, or at least it would be if his political views weren’t completely abhorrent and wrong.

So for the rest of you I’d advise finding a better role model. Don’t go around calling people betas. No one is convinced by your posturing and it makes you look like an asshole.

The West has fallen. But from these ashes it shall rise again. What hero will save us?

I am ready to die for mother Europa!

If you liked this video tell Lars to bring me another pitcher of milk.